Daily Show and Sad Dick Cheney

Posted on July 1, 2014 | Leave a comment

The Daily Show’s Michael Che masterfully renders a very, terribly sad Dick Cheney.

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Kevin Bryant Makes a Little Girl Cry (We Assume)

Posted on April 5, 2014 | Leave a comment

South Carolina Senator Kevin BryantAs reported in USA Today, “Politics, religion almost derail girl’s state fossil bill“, the South Carolina legislature is taking pedantry to new levels.

It all started when 8-year-old Olivia McConnell suggested to her state representative, Robert Ridgeway, that the Mammoth become South Carolina’s state fossil. She raised the points that one of the first major fossil discoveries in North America was in South Carolina and that it was one of only seven states without one.

He thought it was good idea and, with his counterpart Sen. Kevin Johnson, introduced a nice, simple bill into their respective houses. It first hit a minor roadblock in the form of Senate Majority Leader Harvey Peeler who was objecting simply because, “Quite frankly, I thought we had passed a bill in the Senate putting a moratorium on official state whatevers.”

After a quick amendment from Peeler which, basically, said: “OK, but this is the last time for this crap, dammit!” the bill’s future seemed brighter. That is until it hit Sen. Kevin Bryant who is apparently so fragile in his belief that he insists that it infect everything (Bryant is pictured at left wasting somebody else’s time).

First, he derailed the bill by insisting that it include three verses from Genesis. This nearly doubled the size of this otherwise simple bill. After receiving criticism for that blatant attempt to politicize something that didn’t need to be politicized he relented by… doing more of the same.

The final version of the bill, which looks like it may be passed, includes this amended, redundant language by Bryant:

Section 1-1-712A. The Columbian Mammoth, which was created on the Sixth Day with the other beasts of the field, is designated as the official State Fossil of South Carolina and must be officially referred to as the ‘Columbian Mammoth’, which was created on the Sixth Day with the other beasts of the field.

There is no word from Olivia on how it feels to have genuine scientific curiosity squashed by a mean man in a dumb suit.

Verdict

For insisting that nothing good can happen unless his religion is allowed to mark it like a dog in heat, Mr. Byant is charged with Triple Dumbassery in the First Degree. We truly hope that someday he feels confident enough in his faith that he doesn’t have to shove it down the throats of little girls.

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Arizona Legislator is Way too Interested in Your Bikini Area

Posted on March 22, 2013 | Leave a comment

JohnKavanaghAs reported in the Washington Post, “Arizona bill would tie public restroom use to birth gender in fight over transgender rights“, the Arizona legislature is wasting time.

Proposed by state rep. John Kavanagh the law would force people to use gender-identified public facilities (restrooms, locker rooms, dressing rooms, etc) consistently with the gender listed on their birth-certificates or face up to six-months in prison.

So, for example, a transgender woman, born male, wearing women’s clothing and in all ways outwardly presenting as a woman must, under this law, use the men’s room.  It also appears that the (badly written) bill would potentially penalize any father that escorts his toddler daughter into a ladies room or a woman that leverages an otherwise unused men’s room.

(As an aside, we’re also consistently intrigued by the fact that somehow these ridiculous, bigoted proposals never seem to get any attention on the representatives personal home pages.)

Verdict

We had considered a plea-bargain for Rep. Kavanagh but, as reported in the Phoenix New Times, he is clearly a repeat offender.  Therefore we charge him with Double-Maximum Dumbassery. 

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Classic Sadness: Peter Palumbo calls Jessica Alquist “Evil”

Posted on March 7, 2013 | Leave a comment

PeterPalumboJessica Ahlquist was 16 in 2011 when she questioned and then, with the help of the ACLU, brought legal action against her high school for prominently displaying an official Christian School Prayer.  After nearly a year she (obviously) won her case.

Jessica earned few friends locally with her brave actions.  She was repeatedly bullied by both other students and teachers, anonymously threatened with physical violence, rape and death and even earned the public ire of several famous conservatives.  As vile as these were however our concern is with Peter Palumbo, her local state representative.

Peter decided to sum up his feelings about Jessica on a local talk radio station where he labeled her an “evil little thing“. This is detailed more fully in these Examiner.com and Cranston.patch.com pieces. This elected official singled out a child brave enough to suffer threat and insult to defend our constitution as “evil”. Soledad O’Brien interviews Jessica about this in this CNN clip from 2012:

On a positive note while Jessica lost many local friends she gained thousands of admirers around the world.  So much so that Hemant Mehta, of FriendlyAtheist.com, was able to raise over $40,000 from the atheist/freethinker community to fund her future education.

Verdict

Palumbo, like many politicians, fails to understand the Constitution.  By his statements he places personal beliefs above his civic duty.  He is most sad however – desperately, terribly sad – for attacking a little girl that clearly could do his job better than he can.

A good man, if he disagreed with her, might have engaged Jessica on the issue.  He might have admired her bravery and the sheer gumption she displayed at so young an age.  He could have marveled that a child still too young to vote would have such a passion for the foundational ideals of our country.

Palumbo took another path: he called her names.  Rep. Palumbo earns twin charges of platinum-level Dickory and Dumbassery – and our eternal disdain.

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Posted in Church and State, Classic Sadness

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Another Sad Man doesn’t Understand the Constitution

Posted on January 6, 2013 | Leave a comment

DennisKruseTo add to our unfortunately regular theme of elected officials that simply do not understand the Constitution JCOnline.com reports that Indiana Sen. Dennis Kruse files bill that would allow schools to require saying Lord’s Prayer.  The Huffington Post has another take.

The bill would allow schools to require daily recitation of “The Lord’s Prayer” (although apparently students could opt out with parental permission).  Kruse is well known for repeatedly attempting to introduce bills which would allow the teaching of creationism in public schools.  In a clear attempt at irony Kruse, a longtime state senator, is the Chairman of the Senate Education Committee.

Happily it does look like the bill has very little chance of reaching a vote.  Senate President Pro Tempore David Long feels that Kruse may have backed the bill “to make a statement, not expecting a hearing.”  Although he clearly understands the issue Long is still a politician and equivocates his statement:

“It’s a clear violation of the interpretation of the First Amendment by the United States Supreme Court.  It’s not a personal opinion on my part.”

On the positive side he did assign the bill to a procedural committee known as a “burial ground” for bad legislation.

Verdict

Kruse’s willful misunderstanding of the law earns him a clear charge of Dickory in the First Degree.  However his persistent and repeated offenses show a marked lack of remorse.  We find no recourse but to brand him a repeat offender and place him on the national registry.

Mr. Kruse you must now visit your constituents, door-to-door, and inform them that they have an asshat resident in their legislative body.

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Posted in Church and State

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Mike Huckabee is a Sad, Sad Man

Posted on January 3, 2013 | 1 comment

Wikipedia, Mike HuckabeeAs reported by The Huffington Post Mike Huckabee took a time of national tragedy to both lie and advance his agenda.  Speaking on the tragic shooting of 27 people in Newtown, Conn. he began with:

“We ask why there is violence in our schools, but we have systematically removed God from our schools.  Should we be so surprised that schools would become a place of carnage?”

Not having made a big enough ass of himself he continued:

“We don’t have a crime problem, a gun problem or even a violence problem. What we have is a sin problem.  And since we’ve ordered God out of our schools, and communities, the military and public conversations, you know we really shouldn’t act so surprised … when all hell breaks loose.”

As a member of government and former presidential hopeful we have to assume that Huckabee has, at least once, read the Constitution.   We feel confident in saying that he’s willfully misunderstanding the difference between preventing schools from forcing God down their students throats and “ordering him out”.

We’d also love to visit wherever it is that God has been ordered out of public conversations as we’ve never been there or seen it on the news.

Finally we must ask (not being religious ourselves): how insulting to the faithful is the intimation that God is such an vainglorious asshole that he allowed children to die because we’ve eliminated forced school prayer?

Verdict

For continuing to perpetuate the myth that “God is not allowed in schools” and for using God as some kind of ridiculous boogeyman he earns a charge of Felony Dumbassery.  For using this tragedy to further his own agenda (especially with repeatedly debunked lies and misinformation) he earns multiple counts of Felony Dickory.

On a personal note the court would also like the following comment entered into the record: Fuck you, Mike Huckabee.  Fuck you.

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Posted in Church and State

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Sad Judge Doesn’t Understand the Constitution

Posted on November 28, 2012 | Leave a comment

As reported by the New York Times in “Constitution Experts Denounce Oklahoma Judge’s Sentencing of Youth to Church“, Judge Mike Norman (Oklahoma) recently sentenced a teen DUI offender to 10 years of regular church attendance.  Forgoing the obvious jokes about this sentence being worse that prison it should be clear to anybody with a Junior High School level understanding of the constitution that this is patently illegal.  Amazing this judge reached his position without this basic understanding.  When asked about the ruling he said:

“I feel like church is important.  I sentenced him to go to church for 10 years because I thought I could do that.”  He followed later with, “I think it would hold up, but I don’t know one way or another.” and “I think Jesus can help anybody. I know I need help from him every day.”

Constitution Daily delves into the issue much more clearly than we ever could in their excellent article, “Constitution Check: Can a judge send a criminal to church instead of prison?”  Spoiler: the answer is “no”.  One of the foundational aspects of the Constitution is that it prevents government from either compelling or prohibiting religious practice in any way.

Verdict

Judge Norman is, if we may be so bold, clearly an unschooled idiot.  For this reason we can find no true malice in his actions.  He did use his position to unlawful force his religious views on others however and we find that we must sadly find him guilty of Dumbassery in the First Degree.  We sentence him to actually read the Constitution (or at least the Cliff Notes version).

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Mitt Romney, A Sad Retrospective

Posted on November 28, 2012 | Leave a comment

[Our lack of posts recently was a result of completely underestimating how absolutely filthy we’d feel submerging ourselves in politics for the last few weeks of the election cycle.]

As you may have heard Barack Obama is still president of the United States.  In what comes as no surprise this didn’t please his opponent, Mitt Romney.  Here is a brief retrospective of how several news (and some entertainment) outlets handled his feelings.

We’ll leave with the very sad (and bitter) words of Romney himself, who blames his loss primarily on the “gifts” that the Democrats bestowed upon young and minority voters:

“With regards to the young people, for instance, a forgiveness of college loan interest was a big gift.  Free contraceptives were very big with young, college-aged women. And then, finally, Obamacare also made a difference for them, because as you know, anybody now 26 years of age and younger was now going to be part of their parents’ plan, and that was a big gift to young people. They turned out in large numbers, a larger share in this election even than in 2008.”

“You can imagine for somebody making $25,000 or $30,000 or $35,000 a year, being told you’re now going to get free health care, particularly if you don’t have it, getting free health care worth, what, $10,000 per family, in perpetuity – I mean, this is huge.  Likewise with Hispanic voters, free health care was a big plus. But in addition with regards to Hispanic voters, the amnesty for children of illegals, the so-called Dream Act kids, was a huge plus for that voting group.”

With that we say a fond farewell to Mister Romney.

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XKCD Gets It

Posted on October 12, 2012 | Leave a comment

Although made long before our previous post, this XKCD Comic truly gets the point.

Yes.  A bit of a situation indeed.

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Paul Broun Sadly Sits on the Committee on Science and Technology

Posted on October 12, 2012 | 1 comment

Georgia congressman Paul Broun (Rep.) does not like science.  In fact, as reported by TPM, he really does not like science so much that when speaking at the recent Liberty Baptist Church Sportsman’s Banquet he informed the group:

“All that stuff I was taught about evolution and embryology and the Big Bang Theory, all that is lies straight from the pit of Hell.  And it’s lies to try to keep me and all the folks who were taught that from understanding that they need a savior.”

He, along with Todd Akin (who, in his spare time, invents facts about rape), sits on the United States House Committee on Science, Space and Technology.  Broun, a medical doctor with a B.S. in Chemistry, continued:

“You see, there are a lot of scientific data that I’ve found out as a scientist that actually show that this is really a young Earth.  I don’t believe that the Earth’s but about 9,000 years old. I believe it was created in six days as we know them. That’s what the Bible says.”

To conclude he summed up how he makes public policy decisions:

“What I’ve come to learn is that it’s the manufacturer’s handbook, is what I call it.  It teaches us how to run our lives individually, how to run our families, how to run our churches. But it teaches us how to run all of public policy and everything in society. And that’s the reason as your congressman I hold the holy Bible as being the major directions to me of how I vote in Washington, D.C., and I’ll continue to do that.”

Verdict

As reported later by The Huffington Post Broud’s reelection campaign later defended his remarks by explaining that they were “Off the record” and, despite his clear and unequivocal explanation that they informed his public policy decisions, that his comments were  “about his personal beliefs regarding religious issues.”

Broud has a complete lack of understanding of both science and the role of a secular government.  Worse, he is clearly immensely proud of these flaws.  He is charged with Grand Dickory in the First Degree.  Furthermore we sentence him to live without the benefits of science until he decides to respect it.

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Posted in Campain 2012, Church and State

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