Tag Archives: Dickory

Mike Huckabee is a Sad, Sad Man

Wikipedia, Mike HuckabeeAs reported by The Huffington Post Mike Huckabee took a time of national tragedy to both lie and advance his agenda.  Speaking on the tragic shooting of 27 people in Newtown, Conn. he began with:

“We ask why there is violence in our schools, but we have systematically removed God from our schools.  Should we be so surprised that schools would become a place of carnage?”

Not having made a big enough ass of himself he continued:

“We don’t have a crime problem, a gun problem or even a violence problem. What we have is a sin problem.  And since we’ve ordered God out of our schools, and communities, the military and public conversations, you know we really shouldn’t act so surprised … when all hell breaks loose.”

As a member of government and former presidential hopeful we have to assume that Huckabee has, at least once, read the Constitution.   We feel confident in saying that he’s willfully misunderstanding the difference between preventing schools from forcing God down their students throats and “ordering him out”.

We’d also love to visit wherever it is that God has been ordered out of public conversations as we’ve never been there or seen it on the news.

Finally we must ask (not being religious ourselves): how insulting to the faithful is the intimation that God is such an vainglorious asshole that he allowed children to die because we’ve eliminated forced school prayer?

Verdict

For continuing to perpetuate the myth that “God is not allowed in schools” and for using God as some kind of ridiculous boogeyman he earns a charge of Felony Dumbassery.  For using this tragedy to further his own agenda (especially with repeatedly debunked lies and misinformation) he earns multiple counts of Felony Dickory.

On a personal note the court would also like the following comment entered into the record: Fuck you, Mike Huckabee.  Fuck you.

Paul Broun Sadly Sits on the Committee on Science and Technology

Georgia congressman Paul Broun (Rep.) does not like science.  In fact, as reported by TPM, he really does not like science so much that when speaking at the recent Liberty Baptist Church Sportsman’s Banquet he informed the group:

“All that stuff I was taught about evolution and embryology and the Big Bang Theory, all that is lies straight from the pit of Hell.  And it’s lies to try to keep me and all the folks who were taught that from understanding that they need a savior.”

He, along with Todd Akin (who, in his spare time, invents facts about rape), sits on the United States House Committee on Science, Space and Technology.  Broun, a medical doctor with a B.S. in Chemistry, continued:

“You see, there are a lot of scientific data that I’ve found out as a scientist that actually show that this is really a young Earth.  I don’t believe that the Earth’s but about 9,000 years old. I believe it was created in six days as we know them. That’s what the Bible says.”

To conclude he summed up how he makes public policy decisions:

“What I’ve come to learn is that it’s the manufacturer’s handbook, is what I call it.  It teaches us how to run our lives individually, how to run our families, how to run our churches. But it teaches us how to run all of public policy and everything in society. And that’s the reason as your congressman I hold the holy Bible as being the major directions to me of how I vote in Washington, D.C., and I’ll continue to do that.”

Verdict

As reported later by The Huffington Post Broud’s reelection campaign later defended his remarks by explaining that they were “Off the record” and, despite his clear and unequivocal explanation that they informed his public policy decisions, that his comments were  “about his personal beliefs regarding religious issues.”

Broud has a complete lack of understanding of both science and the role of a secular government.  Worse, he is clearly immensely proud of these flaws.  He is charged with Grand Dickory in the First Degree.  Furthermore we sentence him to live without the benefits of science until he decides to respect it.

Almost Half Sad

As reported initially reported by Mother Jones  and later NBC News and others Mitt Romney was secretly recorded at a private fund-raiser held at the home of a major supporter and his message was slightly … “different from those made in front of the cameras.  One of the most controversial has been the following:

“There are 47 percent of the people who will vote for the president no matter what. All right, there are 47 percent who are with him, who are dependent upon government, who believe that they are victims, who believe the government has a responsibility to care for them, who believe that they are entitled to health care, to food, to housing, to you name it. That that’s an entitlement. And the government should give it to them. And they will vote for this president no matter what.”

As to the 47 percent figure Romney is technically correct (the very best kind of correct).  As clarified by The Washington Post Fact Checker and FactCheck.org about a quarter of those people are seniors who receive less than $25,000 a year.  About half of them earn so little that after standard deductions there is no income to tax – but they still pay a significant amount in payroll taxes and of course pay excise taxes, local and state taxes and others.

Verdict

We must give credit to Romney.  While he danced, equivocated and rationalized he never did completely back down from his statements when they came to light.  At the same time, however, the statements were pretty damn stupid and we’re unconvinced that Romney truly believes the underlying meaning.

As the factual statements were, technically, true we can only deliver a verdict of Misdemeanor Douchebaggery.  Based on the misleading and insulting nature of the non-factual comments we feel justified in adding an additional charge of Misdemeanor Dickory as well.

This Man Makes Rape Even Sadder

As reported by NBCNews, The NY Times, the Christian Science Monitor and many others, Rep. Todd Akin said a very stupid thing.  While being interviewed during his campaign to unseat the Democratic incumbent Akin was asked his opinion about abortion in the case of rape.  He did not answer well:

“First of all, from what I understand from doctors, [pregnancy from rape] is really rare. If it’s a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down.  But let’s assume that maybe that didn’t work or something. I think there should be some punishment, but the punishment ought to be on the rapist and not attacking the child.”

Perhaps Rep. Akin needs to find some smarter doctors.

Verdict

He later apologized for the word “legitimate” in his remarks.  We’ll grant grant the benefit of the doubt and assume that he didn’t mean to imply that any woman who became pregnant after a rape was raped incorrectly.  Disturbingly however we’ve found no evidence that he actually corrected his thinking on the subject.

As the Washington Post Reports studies conclude that as many as 30,000 pregnancies a year are the result of rape with as many as six percent of fertile victims becoming pregnant.  There simply is no “automatic” defense against pregnancy in cases of rape.

In fact the entire argument that women can “shut that whole thing down” seems to have been invented completely from whole-cloth by Republican Stephen Freind when he was defending his own anti-abortion bill in the 80’s.

Considering his apology and the unscripted nature of the statement we slap Rep. Akin with a reduced charge of Dickory in the Third Degree.  However we recommend that continuing to propagate this groundless myth will be seen as clear malicious intent to deceive.

Harry Reid Takes the Sad, Low Road

As reported by The Huffington Post, National Public Radio and CNN Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev.) has recently decided that dirty politics are just fine for him.  While the issue of Romney’s past tax returns and his refusal to release them may be a valid talking point but Reid stepped over the line by reporting random heresy.

He claims that a former Bain Capital investor called his office and said of Romney, “Harry, he didn’t pay any taxes for 10 years!”  As if saying something unsubstantiated made it something worth expanding on he continued in what can only be termed a rant:

“He didn’t pay taxes for 10 years! Now, do I know that that’s true? Well, I’m not certain.  But obviously he can’t release those tax returns. How would it look?  You guys have said his wealth is $250 million.  Not a chance in the world. It’s a lot more than that. I mean, you do pretty well if you don’t pay taxes for 10 years when you’re making millions and millions of dollars.”

Dragging his comments even lower into the muck Reid concluded with, “His poor father must be so embarrassed about his son.”  That’s just plain low and outside.

Verdict

Reid’s statements would be distasteful if they came from your average ass-hat pundit; from the Senate Majority Leader however they’re despicable.  Reid is therefore given one of the most deserved sentences of First Degree Dickory that we’ve seen.

Sad, Sad GOP-on-GOP Action

As reported by Politico and the Times Free Press, Tennessee’s Republican Gov. Bill Haslam (pictured left) is being criticized by (at last report) nine local and at least one national republican groups.  The resolutions request that Republican leaders take  “appropriate action against the administration of Governor Bill Haslam” because his actions have created a loss of “confidence in our Governor during an election year.”

Haslam has committed two infractions worthy of this action.  One, he hired, Samar Ali, an incredibly talented new International Director for the Tennessee Department of Economic and Community Affairs and two, for retaining employees from the previous (Democratic) administration.  Oh, by the way, that director is a Muslim and one of those retained employees is openly gay.

Both the Williamson and Stewart County resolutions are available for review at The Tennessean.  Amongst a host of tenuously linked assertions, unrelated facts and out-of-context citation in the Williamson County resolution offers:

“WHEREAS, Tennessee Governor Bill Haslam has elevated and/or afford preferential political status to Sharia adherents in Tennessee, thereby aiding and abetting the advancement of an ideology and doctrine which is wholly incompatible with the Constitution of the United States and the Tennessee Constitution.”

The Stewart Country resolution is more simplistic but attacked Ali more directly:

“One of the latest Executive Service Employees has included Samar Ali, an expert in Shariah Compliant Finance which is one of the many ways Islamic terrorism is funded. She is also a one-time Obama appointee and her family has a long history of supporting the Democrat Party.”

The Stewart Country resolution also added that the governor “allowed and retained openly [sic] homosexuals to make policy decisions in the Department of Children’s Services.”

Verdict

The groups making these statements clearly do not understand the difference between a talented lawyer that happens to be Muslim and a terrorist.  They also  intimate (without defending the position) the a homosexual is unable to make decisions where children are concerned.

In a sweeping judgment we accuse every single individual that has signed these documents of Dumbassery and Dickory, both in the Second Degree.   To his great credit there is no indication that the governor plans to change his policies based on these resolutions.

Tragedy Breeds Dickory

In the first of what we fear will be many posts regarding the tragic shootings in Colorado (as reported by MSNBC, CNN, Fox News and all other major news outlets) we would like to introduce you to Louie Gohmert, a sad, angry little congressman from Texas.

As reported on Huffinton Post and also in The Maddow Blog, Louie feels that he knows why this tragedy occurred:

“You know what really gets me, as a Christian, is to see the ongoing attacks on Judeo-Christian beliefs, and then some senseless crazy act of a derelict takes place.” … “Some of us happen to believe that when our founders talked about guarding our virtue and freedom, that that was important,” he said. “Whether it’s John Adams saying our Constitution was made only for moral and religious people … Ben Franklin, only a virtuous people are capable of freedom, as nations become corrupt and vicious they have more need of masters. We have been at war with the very pillars, the very foundation of this country.”

(While he is correct that Adams was quite pro-religion Franklin most assuredly was not.  However both men were major, outspoken proponents of the separation of church and state; a fact that clearly eludes representative Gohmert.)

In a rambling conclusion Gohmert intimates that the recent challenges to the Separation of Church and State may be preventing God from intervening in situation like this:

“People say … where was God in all of this?  We’ve threatened high school graduation participations, if they use God’s name, they’re going to be jailed … I mean that kind of stuff. Where was God? What have we done with God? We don’t want him around. I kind of like his protective hand being present.”

While a defense can (and most likely will) be made that the congressmen never actually related today’s events to his beliefs it’s very difficult for reasonable people not to take that message away from his comments.

Verdict

Yes, blowhards will be blowhards, but to Gohmert decided to use this tragedy for his political gain before the bodies even had a chance to cool – in fact less than 9 hours from the murders.  For that he easily earns a sentence of Federal Felony Dickory in the First Degree.

His comments relating the founding fathers are true, but misleading and self-serving, which adds an additional charge of Douchbaggery in the Third Degree.