Tag Archives: Dumbassery

Sad Judge Doesn’t Understand the Constitution

As reported by the New York Times in “Constitution Experts Denounce Oklahoma Judge’s Sentencing of Youth to Church“, Judge Mike Norman (Oklahoma) recently sentenced a teen DUI offender to 10 years of regular church attendance.  Forgoing the obvious jokes about this sentence being worse that prison it should be clear to anybody with a Junior High School level understanding of the constitution that this is patently illegal.  Amazing this judge reached his position without this basic understanding.  When asked about the ruling he said:

“I feel like church is important.  I sentenced him to go to church for 10 years because I thought I could do that.”  He followed later with, “I think it would hold up, but I don’t know one way or another.” and “I think Jesus can help anybody. I know I need help from him every day.”

Constitution Daily delves into the issue much more clearly than we ever could in their excellent article, “Constitution Check: Can a judge send a criminal to church instead of prison?”  Spoiler: the answer is “no”.  One of the foundational aspects of the Constitution is that it prevents government from either compelling or prohibiting religious practice in any way.


Judge Norman is, if we may be so bold, clearly an unschooled idiot.  For this reason we can find no true malice in his actions.  He did use his position to unlawful force his religious views on others however and we find that we must sadly find him guilty of Dumbassery in the First Degree.  We sentence him to actually read the Constitution (or at least the Cliff Notes version).

Sad, Paid Tweets for Romney

In “Report says 15 percent of Mitt Romney Twitter followers are paid fakes” Ars Technica summarizes a new report that estimates that more than 15% of Mitt Romney’s Twitter followers have been generated by paid services.  The report from Barracuda Labs points specifically to July 21st when Romney’s fan base jumped by 116,922 new followers.

These new followers represented a single-day 17% spike in followers for Romney.  Fully 25% of the accounts were less than four days old and over 23% had never issued a tweet.  Interestingly over 10% of the accounts were later suspended without comment by Twitter.

The study explored the shady grey market of purchasing followers by opening test accounts and purchasing followers for them for an average of $18 per 1000 follows.  They then collected metrics about the fake accounts and applied them to Twitter accounts at large.  The practice of selling accounts is against Twitter’s terms of service but the firm seems to do little about it.


We must be clear that the Romney campaign has yet to comment and the report’s evidence can only reasonably considered circumstantial.  However the evidence is also very convincing.  Having taken into account the minimal potential impact we still feel that this kind of store-bought deception earns the Romney campaign a charge of Douchebaggery in the Third Degree.  In addition we also give the campaign an additional charge of Misdemeanor Dumbassery just for the plain egotistic silliness spending any money at all on fake Twitter followers.

We are willing to suspend these charges should it come to light that the campaign did not, indeed, purchase the followers in question.

Romney Makes you Miss the Point

The always appreciated Washington Post Fact Checker hands out one of his rare “Four Pinocchio” ratings a stunningly tactless distortion by the Romney Campaign.  By lifting an unprepared statement made to a group of democrats out of context Romney intimates that Obama defended his current fiscal record as “working” when the fill comments clearly indicate he was actually speaking about the Clinton era economic plan.


This is exactly the kind of depressing politics this site was created catalog.  while the horribly deceptive, out-of-context claim clearly earns Romney an accusation of Felony Douchebaggery the sheer audacity of it also nets him a secondary charge of Second Degree Dumbassery.

Sad, Sad GOP-on-GOP Action

As reported by Politico and the Times Free Press, Tennessee’s Republican Gov. Bill Haslam (pictured left) is being criticized by (at last report) nine local and at least one national republican groups.  The resolutions request that Republican leaders take  “appropriate action against the administration of Governor Bill Haslam” because his actions have created a loss of “confidence in our Governor during an election year.”

Haslam has committed two infractions worthy of this action.  One, he hired, Samar Ali, an incredibly talented new International Director for the Tennessee Department of Economic and Community Affairs and two, for retaining employees from the previous (Democratic) administration.  Oh, by the way, that director is a Muslim and one of those retained employees is openly gay.

Both the Williamson and Stewart County resolutions are available for review at The Tennessean.  Amongst a host of tenuously linked assertions, unrelated facts and out-of-context citation in the Williamson County resolution offers:

“WHEREAS, Tennessee Governor Bill Haslam has elevated and/or afford preferential political status to Sharia adherents in Tennessee, thereby aiding and abetting the advancement of an ideology and doctrine which is wholly incompatible with the Constitution of the United States and the Tennessee Constitution.”

The Stewart Country resolution is more simplistic but attacked Ali more directly:

“One of the latest Executive Service Employees has included Samar Ali, an expert in Shariah Compliant Finance which is one of the many ways Islamic terrorism is funded. She is also a one-time Obama appointee and her family has a long history of supporting the Democrat Party.”

The Stewart Country resolution also added that the governor “allowed and retained openly [sic] homosexuals to make policy decisions in the Department of Children’s Services.”


The groups making these statements clearly do not understand the difference between a talented lawyer that happens to be Muslim and a terrorist.  They also  intimate (without defending the position) the a homosexual is unable to make decisions where children are concerned.

In a sweeping judgment we accuse every single individual that has signed these documents of Dumbassery and Dickory, both in the Second Degree.   To his great credit there is no indication that the governor plans to change his policies based on these resolutions.

Church and State: Islam is a Religion Too?

As reported by American’s United in “Louisiana Revelation: School Voucher Funding – It’s Not Just For Christians Any More” Louisiana state rep. Valarie Hodges (Republican) is now unsure of her support for Gov. Bobby Jindal’s patently unconstitutional (but still ratified) law allowing taxpayer money to fund private religious schools.  According to the Livingston Parish News the representative is quoted as:

Rep. Valarie Hodges, R-Watson

“I actually support funding for teaching the fundamentals of America’s Founding Fathers’ religion, which is Christianity, in public schools or private schools.” and “I liked the idea of giving parents the option of sending their children to a public school or a Christian school.”  Later she added, “Unfortunately it will not be limited to the Founders’ religion.”

While the founders religious preferences are still debatable it’s very likely that many (if not most) would be very uncomfortable with the evangelism of today.  It’s also true that many of the most well-known and most respected of the founding father’s (Jefferson, Franklin, Hamilton, Adams, Wilson, Morris, Madison, and Washington for example) are also those most critical of religion.

Jefferson, of course, is credited with coining the term “separation of church and state” in a letter to the Danbury Baptist Association:

“Believing with you that religion is a matter which lies solely between man and his God, that he owes account to none other for his faith or his worship,  that the legislative powers of government reach actions only, and not opinions, I contemplate with sovereign reverence that act of the whole American people which declared that their legislature should ‘make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof,’ thus building a wall of separation between church and State.”

Representative Hodges clearly needs to review her history.  Finally she ends: “We need to ensure that it does not open the door to fund radical Islam schools. There are a thousand Muslim schools that have sprung up recently. I do not support using public funds for teaching Islam anywhere here in Louisiana.”


For Representative Hodges clear ignorance of her own history and the US Constitution she easily earns a charge of Dumbassery in the First Degree.  For her blatant (and illegal) favoritism of her own religion she also garners an additional charge of Dickory in the Second Degree.

Classic Sadness: The 2003 “Mission Accomplished” Speech

Photo by Wikipedia

On May 1st, 2003 – less than six weeks after the start of a conflict many would argue is still ongoing – President Bush announced “Major combat operations in Iraq have ended. In the battle of Iraq, the United States and our allies have prevailed.”  An enormous banner reading, “Mission Accomplished,” ruffled in the breeze behind him.

Of course we now know that although “Major Combat Operations” stopped the conflict continues to this day and has claimed (by varying accounts) the lives of over 4,500 U.S. servicemen and  women and tens-of-thousands of Iraqi (some estimates are in the hundreds of thousands) after this announcement.

It may be argued that the case depends completely on the definition of “Major Combat Operations” but semantics aside the hubris and spectacle of the day would haunt the administration.  Bush would later say in 2009, “Clearly, putting ‘Mission Accomplished’ on an aircraft carrier was a mistake.”


The administration’s later admissions concerning the inappropriateness of the banner coupled with the legitimate points about the definition of what was being announced soften the blow here.  While history may very well treat the former president more harshly we can only sentence him to Misdemeanor Douchebaggery for hiding behind technical definitions and ignoring the broader implications.  We also add the charge of Dumbassery in the Fifth Degree simply for being unable to see how easily this could bite him in the ass.